1. Money And Friends
"Since he lost his money, half his friends don't know him any more"
"And the other half ?"
"They don't know yet that has lost it"
2. Father Wants To Go To Bed
Next-door Neighbor's Little Boy : "Father say could you lend him your cassette player for tonight ?"
Heavy - Metal Enthusiast : "Have you a party on ?"
Little Boy : "Oh, no. Father only wants to go to bed ".
3. The River Isn't Deep
A stranger on horse back came to a river with which he was unfamiliar. The traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
"No", replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted : "I thought you said it wasn't deep ?"
"It isn't", was the boy's reply : "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles !"
4. My Daughter's Music Lessons
"My daughter's music lessons are a fortune to me ?"
"How is that ?"
"They enabled me to buy the neighbors' houses at half price".
5. A Policeman And A Reporter
Country Policeman (at the scene of murder) : "You can't come in here"
Reporter : "But I've been sent to do the murder"
Country Policeman : "Well, you're too late; the murder's been done".
6. A Cow Grazing
Artist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing"
Visitor : "Where is the grass ?"
Artist : "The cow has eaten it"
Visitor : "But where is the cow ?"
Artist : "You don't suppose she'd be fool enough to stay there after she'd eaten all the grass, do you ?"
7. Let's Work Together
"Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?"
"That's just where I want to go. Let's work together. You go south, and I'll go north, and we'll report progress every time we meet"
8. The French People Have Difficulty
"Did you have any difficulty with your French in Paris ?"
"No, but the French people did"
9. Great Mystery
Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?"
Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?"
Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
10. Why Do They Have French Lesson?
"What's the idea of the Greens having French lessons ?"
"They have adopted a French baby, and want to understand what she says when she begins to talk".
11. The Hen And The Dog
Jones : "Sorry, old man, that my hen got loose and scratched up your garden"
Smith : "That's all right, my dog ate your hen"
Jones : "Fine! I just ran over your dos and killed him".
12. Our Faults
"Once a friend of mine and I agreed that it would be helpful for each of us to tell the other all our faults"
"How did it work ?"
"We haven't spoken for five years".
13. She's My Wife
One of the guest turned to a man by his side to criticize the singing of the woman who was trying to entertain them.
"What a terrible voice! Do you know who she is ?"
"Yes", was the answer. "She's my wife"
"Oh, I beg your pardon. Of course, it isn't her voice, really. It's the stuff she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that awful song ?"
"I did", was the answer.
14. The Difference Between Valor And Discretion
"What's the difference between valor and discretion ?"
"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be valor"
"I see. And discretion ?"
"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day".
15. Flattering
Critic : "Ah! And what is this ? It is superb! What soul! What expression!"
Artist : "Yeah ? That's where I clear the paint off my brushes".
16. Cigar Fruit
Gardener : "This is a tobacco plant in full flower, madam"
Dear Old Lady : "How very interesting! And how long will it be before the cigars are ripe ?"
17. Downstairs And Upstairs
Downstairs : "Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling ?"
Upstairs : "Oh, that's all right. We were making a lot of noise ourselves".
18. Time
"Don't you agree that Time is the greatest healer ?"
"He may be, but he's certainly no beauty specialist".
19. Borrowing Money
"Glad to see you, old man. Can you lend me five dollars ?"
"Sorry, but I haven't a cent with me today"
"And at home ?"
"They're all very well, thank you, very well".
20. How Many Knaves Live In This Street ?
A wag asked his friend.
"How many knaves do you suppose live in this street besides yourself ?"
"Beside myself !" replied the other. "Do you mean to insult me ?"
"Well, then ?" said the first, "how many do you reckon including yourself ?"
21. Life - Size Enlargements
"Do you make life-size enlargements of snapshot ?"
"That's our specialty"
"Fine : here's a picture I took of the Pyramid"
22. Terrible Experience
Miss Gushin : "It must be wonderful to be a parachute jumper. I suppose you've had some terrible experiences"
Parachutist (fed up with her) : "Yes, miss, terrible. Why, once I came down where there was a sign : "Keep Off The Grass"".
23. Don't Be So Conceited
Smith : "I keep hearing the word 'Idiot' - I hope you are not referring to me"
Jones : "Don't be so conceited. As if there are no other idiots in the world!"
24. Anything Will Do
Musician (after much pressing) : "Well, all right, since you insist. What shall I play ?"
Host : "Anything you like, It is only to annoy the neighbors".
25. Naming Animals
Adam and Eva were naming the animals of the earth when along came a rhinoceros.
Adam : "What shall we call this one ?"
Eva : "Let's call it a rhinoceros"
Adam : "Why ?"
Eva : "Well, because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we're named yet".
26. Statues
Country Cousin (after prolonged inspection of building operations) : "I don't see the sense of putting statues on top of your buildings"
Friend : "Statues ? Those aren't statues. They're bricklayers".
27. Man - Eating Lion
Old Lady (at the zoo) : "Is that a man-eating lion ?"
Fed - up Keeper : "Yes, lady, but we're short of men this week, so all he gets is beef".
28. Identified
"This check is doubtless all right," said the paying teller politely, "but have you anything about you by which you could be identified ?
The pretty young thing faltered, "I have a mole high up above my left knee".
29. It Wasn't Me
"Hello, Frank, I thought you were dead ?"
"Oh", said Frank, "they did get a story around that I was dead, but it was another man, I knew it wasn't me as soon as I heard of it"
30. A Great Discovery ?
"Purely by accident, I have made one of the greatest discoveries," said the scientist.
"May I ask what it was ?"
"I found," - said the scientist, "that by keeping a bottle of ink handy you can use a fountain pen just like any other pen, without all the trouble to filling it".
31. Has The Dinner-Bell Rung ?
"My dear sir, you flatter me lingering to hear the remainder of my tale when the other passengers dashed away at the sound of the dinner-bell." Said the longwinded tourist to his one remaining listener.
"What! Has the dinner-bell rung ?" asked the other, as he jumped to his feet ands dashed toward the dining room.
32. A Popular Song
"So that is a popular song he's singing ?"
"It was before he sang it".
33. A Portrait
Host (doing the honors) : "And that is a portrait of me great - great - grandfather"
Visitor : " Wonderful ! Why, he doesn't look any older than you !"
34. A Gift From Sister
She : "Where did you get that umbrella ?"
He : "It was a gift from sister"
She : "You told me you hadn't any sisters"
He : "I know. But that's what engraved on the handle".
35. Haircut Free Of Charge
A man entered a barber's shop with a boy of five or six years of age holding his hand. He was in a great hurry and he asked the barber to cut his hair first and later to cut the boy's hair.
"He can wait, I want you to cut my hair first," he said.
The barber did as he was told and when he has finished the man got out of the chair and the boy tool his place. The man excused himself and said that he would be back in a few minutes and would pay for them both. Then he left and the barber began to cut the boy's hair. When he had finished he picked the boy up and placed him in a chair to wait. He gave him a magazine to look at.
A half hour passed. An hour passed. At last the barber said :
"Don't worry, your father will be back soon"
"My father ?" said the boy. "He isn't my father, I was playing in the street and he came along and said : "Come on with me, little boy. Let's go into this barber's shop together and have our hair cut".
36. May I Go In To Swim ?
Overheard on the beach at a coast resort.
Small boy to his mother : "Mummy, may I go in to swim ?"
"Certainly not, my dear, it's far too deep"
"But daddy is swimming"
"Yes, dear, but he's insured".
37. A City Idler
A good - for - nothing city idler had inherited a country grocery store. He was taking his ease alongside the counter in his favorite chair when a customer came in and asked for a dozen apples.
"I can't wait on you to day" said the ex-city man. "Come in some other time when I'm standing up".
38. B. C 1187
Two men, who were visiting a Museum, were seen standing in front of an Egyptian mummy, over which hung a placard bearing the inscription : "B.C. 1187"
Both visitors were much mystified thereby
"What do you make of that, Jim ?"
"Well", said Jim, "I don't know; but maybe it was the number of the motorcar that killed him".
39. Boying Ambition
"Where any of your boyish ambitions ever realized ?"
Yes, When my mother used to cut my hair I often wished I might be bard headed"
40. Three Sons
Three proud mothers discussing their eight-year-old sons.
"I just know my little Johnnie is going to be an engineer," said the first.
"Whenever I buy him a toy, he tears it apart to see what makes it work"
The second said, "I'm so proud of Freddie, I just know he's going to be a fine lawyer. He argues with the other kids all the time"
"No question about it", said the third mother, "little Harold is destined to be a doctor, Why, he never comes when I called him!"
41. What'll I Do ?
Neighbor : "Did I bring your lawn mower back last month ?"
Indignant Householder : "No, you did not"
Neighbor : "Now what'll I do ? I want to borrow it again ?"
42. Creative Imagination
A well-known Royal Academician who noticed a drawing of a fish by a pavement-artist asked the man what sort of fish it was supposed to be.
"A shark, sir !"
"But you've never seen a shark," said the R.A
"That's true, sir", the man agreed : "but then, don't some of those Academy chaps paints angels ?"
43. Guess Who Sent Them
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb.
One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line : "Guess who sent them"
The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets : "Now you know !"
44. How Are You On Speed ?
Head of Business College : "In teaching shorthand and typewriting, we are strong for accuracy"
Inquirer : "How are you on speed ?"
Head of Business College :
"Well, of last year's class, six married their employers within six months."
45. Congratulations !
"I painted something for the Academy last year"
"Was it hung ?"
"Yes, near the entrance where everybody could see it"
"Congratulation ! What was it ?"
"A board saying, 'Keep to the left' " .
46. An Imitation
An artist famous for painting animals was motoring through Iowa, when he saw a very animated looking bull. Thinking he would like to take him on canvas, he got permission of the owner. In due time he produced an excellent likeness of the bull, which he sold for five hundred dollars. On seeing the farmer a year later, he told him he had sold the picture of his bull for the price.
"Good Lord !" exclaimed the old farmer. "Why. I would have sold two real bulls for less than that one imitation of yours."
47. You Should Have Thought Of That
"I don't like these photos at all", said a client. "I look like an ape."
The photographer, famous for his wit as well as for his art, favored him with a glance of lofty disdain.
"You should have thought of that before you had them taken," was his reply as he turned back to work.
48. THE SUNSET
Father : "This is the sunset my daughter painted. She studied painting abroad, you know."
Friend : "Ah, that accounts for it ! I never saw a sunset like that in this country."
49. Soiled Currency
"I hope you are not afraid of microbes", apologized the paying teller as he cashed the schoolteacher's check with soiled currency.
"Don't worry," said the young lady, "a microbe couldn't live on my salary."
50. Why Do You Go On The Balcony ?
Wife : "Why do you go on the balcony when I sing ? Don't you like to hear me ?"
Husband : "It isn't that. I want the neighbors to see that I'm not beating my wife."
51. Revenge
They were having a musical evening, and the hostess asked the celebrated basso to sing another song.
"I'm afraid it's too late," he replied, "I should disturb the people in the neighboring house."
"And a good thing, too," replied the lady. "They poisoned our dog last week."
52. Making Conclusions From The Looks
A very thin man met a very fat man in the hotel lobby.
"From your looks", said the flat man, "there might have been a famine."
"Yes," was the reply, "and from your looks, you might have caused it."
53. My Mom Can Do That !
Teacher was giving her class a little weekly talk on paining, illustrated by reproductions of famous pictures.
"Sir Joshua Reynolds," she said, "Was able to change a smiling face into a frowning one with a single troke of the brush."
"Huh," little Johnnie was heard to mutter, "my maw kin do that!"
54. The Applicant's Honesty
A man once applied for a job in a dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing and references were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest.
"Honest ?" the driver said. "Why, his honesty's been proved again and again. To my sertain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for stealing and every time he was acquitted."
55. Qualified
Manager : "Are you sure you are qualified to lead a hard rock band ?"
Applicant : "Absolutely, I've had two nervous breakdowns, I was shellshocked when in the army, and I live in an apartment above a family with twelve noisy children."
56. The Hobo And The Plain-Clothes Man
"Give me a dime for a cup of coffee ?" asked the hobo of the plain-clothes man.
"Do you ever work ?" said the plain-clothes man
"Now and then."
"What do you do ?"
"This and that."
"Where ?"
"Oh, here and there."
The plain-clothes man took him to the police station.
"When do I get out of here ?" wailed the hobo.
"Sooner or later," growled the desk sergeant.
57. Weather Man's Order
Weather Man : "Put down rain for a certainty this afternoon."
Assistant : "Are you sure, sir ?"
Weather Man : "Yes, in deed I've lost my umbrella. I'm planning to play golf, and my wife's giving a lawn party."
58. My Daughter's Voice Is Improving
"My daughter is having her voice cultivated."
"Is it improving ?"
"It's growing stronger. She used to be heard only two apartments away. Now we got complaints from away off in the next building."
59. Absent-Minded Professor
A family living in an apartment house in the suburbs of a large city had a cat to which they were very much attached. One day the cat got sick and finally died. As there was no rear yard to their home in which to bury the cat, father was forced to wrap the cat up in a newspaper and take it with him, being carefully reminded by mother to toss the bundle from the train window when en route to his work.
Father placed his bundle upon the baggage rack over his seat, but struck up in a conversation with a fellow commuter and forgot to toss the bundle out the window. He took the package onto his office, thinking that he would dispose of it on the way home that evening. But again he got to talking to someone on the train, forgot about the cat, and still had the bundle under his arm when he arrived home. His wide scolded him about it and father promised to take care of the matter the next day. But once more his memory failed him. When for the third time he arrived home still carrying the bundle, poor mother became more angry.
"You've got to dispose of that cat right now," she said "Put it in the furnace right now as the fireman is seldom there at this hour."
Well, father decided perhaps he'd better take it to the basement and put it in the furnace, but as he lifted the bundle from a table it fell open, and look at behold there was - a boiled ham !
60. Never Refuse Anything
A clerk in a miscellaneous store was serving a caller. The manager was at a desk some distance away, but he overheard the clerk say : "No, madam, we haven't had any for a long time."
"Oh, yes, we have," interrupted the manager; "I will send to the warehouse immediately and have some brought for you."
The lady went out laughing. The manager turned to the clerk : "Never refuse anything; always sent out for it."
"Well, you see," replied the clerk, "she said to me, "We haven't had any rain lately."
61. Ordering A Razor
A certain young man wrote the following letter to a prominent business firm, ordering a razor :
"Dear Sirs - Please find enclosed 50c for one of your razors as advertised and oblige - John Jones.
"P. S - I forget to enclose the 50c, but no doubt a firm of your high standing will send the razor anyway."
The firm addressed received the letter and replied as follows :
"Dear Sir - Your most valued order received the other day and will say in reply that we are sending the razor as per request, and hope that it will prove satisfactory.
"P. S - We forgot to enclose the razor, but no doubt have no need of it."
62. The Doctor And The Aristocrat
A doctor was called in to see a rather testy aristocrat.
"Well, sir, what's the matter ?" he asked cheerily.
"That, sir," growled the patient, "is for you to find out."
"I see," said the doctor thoughtfully, "Well, if you excuse me for an hour or so, I'll go along a fetch a friend of mine - a veterinarian. He is the only chap I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions."
63. To Be Drunk Is A Disgrace
On a pleasant Sunday afternoon an old German and his youngest son were seated in the village inn. The father had partaken liberally of the beer, and was warning his son against the evils of intemperance.
"Never drink too much, my son. A gentleman stops when he has enough. To be drink is a disgrace."
"Yes, Father, but how can I tell when I have enough or I am drunk ?"
The old man pointed with his finger.
"Do you see those two men sitting in the corner. If you should see four men there, you would know that you were drunk."
The boy looked long and earnestly. After a time, in puzzled tones, he said :
"Yes, Father, but - but - there is only one man in that corner."
64. Too Highly Colored
"Your narrative is too highly colored," remarked the editor, returning the bulky manuscript.
"In what way?" inquired the disappointed author.
"Why," replied the editor, "in the very first chapter you make the old man turn purple with rage, the villain turn green with envy, the hero turn white with anger, the heroine turn red with blushes, and the coachman turn blue with cold."
65. How To Compile A Dictionary
"How did you compile your great dictionary ?" the lexicographer was asked.
"Oh, it was something like having a quarrel with one's wife - one word led to another."
66. Unexpected News
A young clerk was called to the front office.
"Of all my clerks," began the boss, "I noticed you seem to be most interested in your work. No hours seem too long for you and you never let the slightest detail escape you."
"Yes, sir ?" said the clerk with glowing and expectant satisfaction.
"Yes," continued the boss, "And so I am forced to fire you. It is such young men as you who learn here and then go out and start a rival business."
67. A Yard Of Pork
A man went into a butcher's shop, and finding the owner's wife in attendance in the absence of her husband, thought he would have a joke at her expense, and said, "Madam, can you supply me with a yard of pork ?"
"Yes, sir," said she. And then turning to a boy, she added, "James, give that gentleman three pig's feet !"
68. Please Give The Steak Another Shock
Waiter : "Yes, sir, we're very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity."
Diner : "I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock ?"
69. I've Got A Parrot
"Glad to see you getting in on time these mornings. Mr. Latterly. " Said the store manager.
"Yes, sir, I've got a parrot now."
"A parrot ? What for ? I advised you to get an alarm clock!"
"I did, sir, but after a few mornings I got used to it, and it failed to wake me. So I got a parrot and now when I retire I hang the alarm clock over his cage. It wakes the parrot, and what the bird says would arouse anybody."
70. Christmas Cards
A young man approached the counter at which Christmas cards were being sold.
"Have you anything sentimental ?" he asked.
"Here's a lovely one," replied the salesgirl. "To The Only Girl I Ever Loved."
"That's fine. I'll take four - no - six of those, please."
71. A Painless Dentist
Dinah had been having trouble with an ulcerated tooth for some time before she got up enough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth she screamed bloody murder.
"What are you making such noise for ?" demanded the doctor. "Don't you know that I'm a "painless dentist" ?"
"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo'is Painless, but Ah isn't. (Well, sir, maybe you're painless but I'm not
72. What Time Is It ?
First Drunkard : "Say, know what time is it ?"
Second Drunkard : "Yeah."
First Drunkard : "Thanks."
73. The Effect Of Advertising
Editor : "Does it pay to advertise in my paper ? Well, I should say it does. Look at Smith, the grocer, for instance. He advertised for a boy last week, and the, very next day Mrs. Smith had twins - both boys."
74. Wish You Success
"I hope your recent marriage has turned out a great success," A journalist interviewed a famous playwright.
Playwright : "Oh, quite ! I've already made three plays out of my wife's past."
75. The Legend On The Salary Receipt Forms
A certain firm had the following legend printed on its salary receipt forms :
"Your salary is your personal business, and should not be disclosed to anyone."
The new employee, in signing the receipt added :
"I won't mention it to anybody. I'm as much ashamed of is as you are."
76. The Bird Is Lame
A man bought a canary from a pet store.
"You're sure this bird can sing ?" he said suspiciously.
"He's a grand singer."
The customer left. A week later he reappeared.
"Say! This bird you sold me is lame!"
"What, what did you want a singer or a dancer ?"
77. In The Bank Lobby
"Did anybody drop a roll of bills with a rubber band around them ?" asked an old man.
"Yes, I did," said several voices in the bank lobby.
"Well, I just picked up the rubber band," said the old gentleman calmly.
78. Flexible Comb
Salesman : "Ladies and gentlemen, I have here the famous flexible comb that will stand any kind of treatment. You can bend it double - you can hit it with a hammer - you can twist it - you can - "
Interested Listener : "Say, mister, can you comb your hair with it ?"
79. If You Thought...
Doctor : "Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation ?"
Patient : "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the price ?"
80. Doing Three Men's Work
Employee : "I have been here 10 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Employer (slightly Scotch) : "I can't give you a raise but if you'll tell me who the other two men are I'll discharge them."
81. We Began In A Small Way Ourselves
Two financiers who were partners discovered that an office boy in their employ had been tampering with the petty cash.
One of them was so much enraged that he desired to send for the police, but the other man was a calm and just man. He took a moderate humane vies of the situation.
"No, no," he said : "let us always remember that we began in a small way ourselves."
82. Why Does The Dog Watch Me Eat ?
Guest : "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host : "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
83. Modern Bathing Suit
Fair Customer (to salesman displaying modern bathing suit) : "And you're sure this bathing suit won't shrink ? "
Salesman : "No, miss; it has nowhere to shrink to."
84. Not Today, Madam
A firm advertised for a stenographer and next morning was overwhelmed with applicants. The office boy was told to admit no more.
Shortly after this an aggressive lady arrived, and pushing her way past the others, demanded to see the boss. By this time the office boy had grown deaf to all protestations, and had one answer.
"Not today, madam" he said.
"But I'm his wife."
"Not today, madam" was the inexorable answer.
85. Autobiography
Editor : "Did you ever write anything before ?"
Authoress : "Oh, yes, I wrote an autobiography once."
Editor : "Did the editor send back ?"
Authoress : "No, he came all the way from New York to San Francisco to marry me."
86. Shoe And Feet
A clerk in a shoe store was trying to persuade his customer that a certain pair of uncomfortable shoes fitted him.
"Those shoes are too narrow and too pointed," said the customer.
"Oh, said the salesman," but they era in fashion. People are wearing narrow, pointed shoes this season."
"That may be," answered the suffering gentleman, "But unfortunately, I am still wearing my last season’s feet."
87. Watchdog
A family moved from the city to the suburbs, and were told they ought to get a watchdog to guard the premises at night. So they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a nearby dealer.
Shortly afterwards the house was entered by burglars, who made a good haul while the dog slept. The householder went to the dealer and told him about it.
"Well, what you need now," said the dealer, "is a little dog to wake up the big dog !"
88. Talking To San Francisco
A certain sales manager has a very loud voice. One morning, when he was shouting in his office, the managing director asked his secretary, "What's was all this noise about ?"
"Mr. Blank is talking to San Francisco, sir" was the reply.
"Then why on earth doesn't he use the telephone ?" asked the managing director.
